![]() ![]() You need to bank blissful days for future retrieval, like stashing an energy bar in your pocket for a long trek. Those sense memories of perfect union are sometimes all we have to keep going through more challenging times. Starting with a clean slate and pure worshipful passion is extremely helpful down the line. Right now you are both still shrouded in mystery to each other, but eventually you’ll be naked, your real selves fully exposed and those early imperfections will join a slew of more onerous ones. We are none of us perfect, which is why falling in love is so seductive because, for a brief time in our lover’s eyes, we feel flawless. In my experience there’s no such thing as a small turn off. Why inflict unnecessary pain on a man whose only crime is to have fallen for you with too much enthusiasm? Issues with table manners and dress sense might appear superficial now, but their ability to irritate is likely to increase over the years. You’ve said you find this guy a bit soppy which suggests he’s eager for your approval and will bruise easily. So you’ll be well aware how painful it is to be judged and found wanting. You say you’ve had your fair share of narcissists who’ve made you feel unattractive. I have to restrain my impulse to shout: “Just dump him!” Starting with pure worshipful passion helps down the line My sense is that you’re in retreat and making do. What does he have to offer apart from the fact that he’s not a bastard? I appreciate you have to kiss a lot of frogs, but it doesn’t follow that you need to jump at the first man blessed with less cold-blooded characteristics. Sure, he sounds like a nice guy but, despite the propaganda suggesting otherwise, there are plenty of them about – it’s finding one that’s tuned to your wavelength that counts. ![]() A man who’s thoughtful, intelligent, sensitive and funny isn’t to be sniffed at, but listed thus they sound like a stereotype rather than a personal engagement. Your boyfriend’s assets look impressive on paper, if a little generic. As I regularly reiterate, few relationships survive the course without epic levels of endurance and tolerance from both parties so, in principle, you’re right to be trying to square the positives with the negatives in this new liaison. You’ve written to me at a point in the year when I tend to feel reckless and impatient – “out with the old” becoming my increasingly frenzied mantra! It’s perhaps not the best state of mind to be delivering advice, but happily, in your case, it might be. Mariella replies Life can, in some ways, be very short. I am agonising about throwing away a relationship with a man who really adores me. Most of these boyfriends were narcissistic and made me feel insecure about my own attractiveness, something I am usually confident about. I have dated some very attractive men in the past and valued physical attractiveness probably too highly.
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